: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
All I want is dick and wine.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Randomize
