My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
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