I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
