why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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