Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
