I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
