I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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