I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
two words: eviction party
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
