I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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