I was born with a shot glass in my hand
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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