My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
