I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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