he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
