I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
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