Pants 0. Shit 1.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
love makes seman taste better
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
