Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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