i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
