i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
