Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
