Oh KT! There was no tea in those Long Islands...
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
