Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
