I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Randomize
