I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
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