Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
