We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
My hair reeks of homosexuality.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I need water and some morals
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