the condom got lost in my hair
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Randomize
