i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
