im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Randomize
