she kept yelling 'call me bella'
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
