I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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