my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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