he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
