Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Randomize
