mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
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