I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
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