How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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