i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
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