I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
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