I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
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