Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize
