i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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