Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
This show inspires me to have sex in space
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize