mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Randomize
