life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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