guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
