I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
