You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Boobs speak an international language.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize
