I faked an abortion last night.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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