Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
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