Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
