yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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