Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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