I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
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