I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
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