and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
