I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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