literally had 100 drinks last night.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
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