Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
goodnight i made you a song goodbye
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
