im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
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