my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
