Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
