Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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