So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Randomize
