dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
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