your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
