gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
this boner is exhausting
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
