I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
