are you still at the devil's house?
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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