There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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